I won a bunny at work! Dude, I was so proud of myself. It's actually a stuffed toy that came in an Easter bucket that was filled with bags of candy, a chocolate bunny, and a Banana Republic notebook. It was given to me at the quarterly meeting this morning for being 2nd place to get the most in average transactions. Therefore it's kind of like being second in getting the most sales for the quarter (and I only work on weekends?). I know, I know it's not too fantabulicious (what a stupid fucking word) but hey, do you get chocolate bunnies at your job? I didn't think so.
I have to admit, my current job is really decent. Nobody is a goddamn asshole and my co-workers are decent folks. The managers are also really cool beans. As opposed to school, I'm not treated like a fucking child and therefore willingly do what I'm told to do. Have you ever noticed, that if you work with older people, they treat you as an equal; but if you go to school that's run by people of the same age, they treat you like shit? I've had older people at work respect me more than they do at school who are younger than they are. Maybe it's just because Morris Hills is racist. It's true. Take it from a yellow person. My friend always complains about why staff members are always watching her like hawks - she says, "it's because I'm black!" Or maybe it's just because school is always built on that level of hierarchy - educators are higher than students. But then again, managers don't treat employees like crap at my place of work. I'd like to think that teachers, etc. have a stupid fucking superiority complex. Come on. Get over your failed life and the fact that you're left with nothing else to do besides take a low-end job and go back to where you started from.
Yeah, I know the "because I'm black" excuse is not really a new retort but it's still pretty damn funny when the right person says it.
I had something within the lines of a "quarterly review" today, and my "mentor"/manager was like, "We DON'T want you to leave anytime soon." I wonder where he got that from. It's probably because I'm one of the young'uns and it's obvious that I wouldn't be spending the rest of my life there, because my college plans and such are pretty much known to everybody. Seriously, the only reason I'd leave Banana Republic/Gap Inc. at this point would be to work for the Anthropologie/Free People/Urban Outfitters company, whatever the hell it's called. Now those are the fucking clothes that I want a discount on. I think even my mom sees this job as a keeper; unlike Pier 1 fucking Imports.
Is this entry boring, or what? I apologize. Please tell me that this is the greatest fucking song to ever be performed in what feels like forever.
b3LLy sh1rts f0' LYFE!!!11!!
Christina N. @ 8:39 PM
Saturday, April 28
I now owe my parents 322 dollars' worth of one week's bidding on eBay. Shit man, that's pretty bad. I won a new mp3 player, a collection of Faith No More magazine clippings, a Faith No More bootleg from Chile in 1995, and a fucking Super Nintendo NES with two controllers, a gun, and 12 games, motherfucker!! I need this stuff, I really do. Literally. I am so goddamn serious.
My mom grounded me because of bad grades. Dude, my GPA is still a 3.4 or some shit. Just because I dropped 20 points in art class and got a C in gym doesn't mean I'm a dumbfuck. She takes it like if a teacher hates me, they'd fail me and therefore I wouldn't get credits to graduate - that may be true back in Vietnam, but not in America, lady. I'm passing no matter what, and going to college no matter what. Chill them niggaz out, plz.
Yes, I know a lot of teachers despise me because of my working habits (i.e. constant eating and the obviousness of my procrastination, which has gotten significantly worse; but my grades have actually gone up this year overall). But that's no excuse for what my computer art teacher said to me. You know what she fucking said? I wanted to enter something into the Teen Arts Festival, and when I showed her what I wanted to enter in, she said, "I'm not even going to enter that in. I've got stronger stuff already" and walked away.
What the flying fuck? First of all,
#1: You don't turn down Clint Eastwood. My project fucking rules because it's Clint Eastwood.
#2: That was rude
#3: She was wrong
#4: That is completely demoralizing and discouraging
#5: What a shitty goddamn teacher
#6: That piece, among others, got me into the Rutgers Bachelor of Fine Arts Program
#7: Have you seen my portfolio, bitch?
Yeah, I was pissed off. I don't think she'd ever rejected anything entered into that festival anyway. But I didn't say anything. I was already in a distraught mood from not being on speaking terms with anybody in my house - I didn't want to deal with my teacher's shit in addition. I should get over this anyway - you're supposed to deal with this kind of crap in the future. I just can't believe that someone who is supposed to help you and encourage you would say that. Haha I almost wanted to cry at that point because it was so brash. Maybe I should start shitting on windshields of people's cars of whom I don't like. You know, the Mike Patton way. Or maybe it's just my way but I say it's the Mike Patton way just to be cool.
Christina N. @ 11:21 PM
Monday, April 23
I've always wondered, what the hell does somebody mean when they say, "It's fucking hot as balls in here, man." Balls aren't that hot. As a matter of fact, they are suspended from the rest of the male body in attempts to keep the sperm cooler than the normal temperature of 98.6 degrees Farenheit. So what the fuck are you saying? Is this supposed to be a joke and you want to say that it's cool in here? Americans need to reconsider their thought process. And not to mention along with many other things.
I have even found myself saying that a couple of times, and then try to stop myself because I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I think many people should use that as an example before they say something, because that is clearly what makes you a goddamn dolt.
The pop music teacher announced today that we are going to watch Happy Feet on Wednesday because she is not going to be in class. Do I look like I'm fucking five years old? I'm approaching 18, have a job, have a car, am asian therefore have heightened intellectual ability, going through massive puberty and therefore I require enrichment? Shit like that isn't going to test my central neurons; and even if it does, not that much. Fuck those movies, seriously. Watch it in a music class, too? Bitch, please. Hopefully my new MP3 player comes in the mail by then so that I could watch shit is actually worthy. Thanks, fucker, for whoever screamed it out and suggested that we watch Happy Feet.
The teacher says there's political messages and whatnot in the movie. Why would I give a shit if it's in that form - a fucking computer-generated, talking-lame-ass-penguin movie, and a penguin movie that had already been out that year by the name of March of the Penguins, which is actually awesome because Morgan Freeman narrates it? Nope, doesn't do it for me.
I also noticed that we were sitting in a newly rennovated classroom, but why was it so hot? So I asked the teacher, "Why did they make this new classroom without any air-conditioning? Did my parents pay taxes for nothing?" - all with the typical, appalled, "what in the flying fuck? Wolfmother?!" look on my face. The teacher replies, "Christina, I am not in charge of building this school." I say, "So then can I have a tax refund by taking that DVD player?" Makes perfect sense, right? Me being the one to notice and point out this absolute bullshit? I should get something to compensate for my super-intelligence.
If you ever decide to move out on your own, I do not recommend an average suburban neighborhood. I don't know if the majority as snooty and love to gossip as much as my street does. I walked home with a friend of mine today who only lives across the street from me, moved there about two years ago, and happens to be quite possibly one of the ugliest people on earth. He's cool to talk to, and my mind divert from thinking about possibly dying in a matter of seconds due to a car accident because we walk home on the main road that students drive home on, without a sidewalk. The tension and psycho-rays that are bouncing off of me and the houses is pretty uncomfortable, and I fucking swear that my being friends with a lima bean is going to be the big gossip for weeks to come.
You know what? I don't give a flying fuck. It's the people that won't get a fucking life that bother the shit out of me. I really despise my neighborhood and it's like trying to hide from the paparazzi. I almost wanted to wear a black veil and "Jackie O." sunglasses, hunching over because I'm embarassed about being married to an old, fat greek man when greek men are supposed to actually be good-looking.
I can't stop bidding on eBay, man. This trying to win almost a hundred different Faith No More magazine clippings and fold-out posters has got to stop, before I fall into even more debt with my mom and her credit card. My goal is to fill an entire wall, corner to corner, with Faith No More propaganda. It's kind of awesome how my boss loves them and thinks that Mike Patton is gorgeous. Too bad she never talks about it too much, maybe it's not "professional," for she is the fucking general manager of a Level 2 Banana Republic store.
Christina N. @ 9:08 PM
I hate Cat Stevens. He sucks. He's painful. He's retail store music; most likely played on rotation at JcPenney.
So we didn't go see Grindhouse last night because Lauren got lazy and said her parents didn't want her going out so late on a school night. Kind of hypocritical because we'd been planning this for quite some time. Oh well. That DVD better be out motherfucking soon.
Instead we went to Target and I bought Alien and The Devil's Rejects on DVD. Sweet shit, man.
I have watched this shit so many times and it still cracks me up every goddamn time.
Christina N. @ 11:18 AM
Sunday, April 22
What the fuck? Faith No More is reuniting? It really feels like a conspiracy, and I'll tell you why:
On Friday I was on Myspace (surprise?), and saw on Peeping Tom's profile (or that I remember, it was one of Patton's quadrillion fucking bands), that a girl posted a comment that was an excerpt from a Metal Hammer article written that day. The article talked about Mike Patton stating during a press conference or press release or whatever the fuck, that besides the new stuff about Tomahawk going on in June, Faith No More is getting back together with a new album and will be touring in Europe and Australia. However, he didn't say who the lineup was going to consist of.
What the flying fuck?? Patton has declared many times that Faith No More will not be reuniting any time at all, and if they were, he would not be singing (He said that about Mr. Bungle. Forgot if he also said that about Faith No More or not, cut me some slack here). What the fuck! Their last album was good, but sucked in comparison to the rest of their repertoire - so this new one, following the trend, could either suck, or could very well possibly be absolutely amazingly apocalyptic - because all of Patton's shit after Faith No More is absolutely phenomenal. I really don't know what to expect. Sort of like the Smashing Pumpkins bullshit, but we all predict and know that it's most likely going to suck balls.
The strangest thing by far, was by the time I wanted to look at that article again the next day, all of the girl's comments including the Faith No More reunion were deleted. So is this all meant to be a surprise? And that they were all deleted to keep it a secret? I feel like as though if I tell any hardcore Patton or Faith No More fan, they wouldn't believe me and would just say that I'm dreaming. I know I dream about those two things a lot, but dude, I fucking swear I saw that shit.
But, on the other hand, knowing Patton's sense of humor, I wouldn't be surprised if he was saying all of this as a joke. The major thing that pisses me off is - FUCKING COME TO AMERICA!!! Jesus fucking Christ, that's where you live, man. And where I am. Sheesh!
This is Mike Patton here, though. Nothing he does sucks. Except maybe that Adult Themes For Voice album. It's almost painful to listen to, actually. Because it's nothing but 45 minutes of him making noises with his mouth. As talented as that is, I can't dig it. Can you believe that? Me not digging something that Mike Patton has done? Okay.
So, my iPod broke. One day it just decides to freeze in the middle of a song (A very good one, that is. You should know by whom already). I then try to press all of the buttons in different combinations and even tried turning it off or holding and unholding it, but it just stayed stuck on the that one screen, lit up by the backlight. What's even more peculiar was that my iPod started self-heating itself up, like a hot potato. It was a fucking heating pad at that point, possibly to put on your vagina or something when you are on your period to alleviate the cramps. It was internally burning itself, and stays that way for a few hours.
I then bring it home to recharge it and see what goes on from there. So I recharge it, it works for a little while, and freezes and does the same thing all over again - this time for even longer. Of course, I recharge it again, pick a song, and it doesn't even play the song and just freezes up until the battery dies. Piece of fucking shit, man. If I take it to get fixed, it would cost $20. From then on, I would probably have to take it to get fixed for the rest of my life for about $20 or more every single goddamn time. In other words, my iPod is like a shitty old car that is unrepairable, and the only smart thing to do is to get a new car and save a bunch of time and money on trying to repair it without any success.
The only logical thing is to get a brand new MP3 player that is not a stupid fucking Apple product and save a shitload of time and money. Hopefully my new player lasts for a number of years, as opposed to my 2-year-old colorless, thick iPod that everybody says is ancient history just because Apple releases new shit every month because their shit absolutely fucking sucks balls. It has also been taken to the Apple Store to get fixed once already, and the warranty just ran out a long time ago. iPods are too fucking delicate and break all the fucking time; we also have to spend so much money on protecting the pieces of shit with those overpriced covers made from leather and sheep colons. So I've been looking for something that has color (Yes, I should get with the times; according to technology time, which is 35 times faster than standard time), stores video, doesn't require steel titanium diamond-encrusted protective covers, blah blah blah. After searching far and wide on the web, I came upon the Zen Creative Vision W - originally $400, but I found it on eBay for $219. The iPod cost about $300.
Fuck yeah!
You could store up to 15,000 songs in it, a shitload of video, tens of thousands of pictures, and other shit that only a bitch could remember. You could even plug it into a TV to show off your videos and pictures and shit. It has a built-in speaker and earphones if you want to be selfish. It has a removable battery and flash slot to put in digital camera memory cards and view them on the player instead of a computer. It has a radio and free podcasts in it. Aaaand a USB port or whatever. Basically, this thing fucking rules. Inititally, I was planning on getting a Zune player for about $190 on eBay. Fuck that shit. Why get that for not much of a price difference when the Vision W does so much more and is compatible with more video types?
Okay I don't think anyone cared about all of that. But I do. Because I'm going to own one, motherfucker!
Lauren and I are going to go see Grindhouse for the last time tonight before it's pulled from theaters. It is going to kick major ass. On the other hand, Lita keeps wanting to go to the mall with me to "pick up hotties." You know what? Fuck that! Fuck the mall and it's populace of dumbfucks and dumb stores. Simon Malls suck. Period. Seriously, that's all she wants to do. Dude, she has a fucking boyfriend, hits on and checks out other guys every ten seconds, and has a crush on at least two other dudes. Are you fucking kidding me? I even told her that she was a shitty girlfriend. Didn't listen to me. No one ever does.
And the other thing is, the Rockaway Mall? And hot guys? Those two things don't go together. She knows I hate the mall. Fuck the mall. Shitty stores and shitty people. Like I said, Lita doesn't listen to me. Also, if I do decide to go with her, I would have to get my mom to drive us. Why? Because I don't have a license yet and Lita has a license and a car, but is too fucking lazy to fill it up with gas even though she gets paid every weekend. Sheesh louise. Telling me to hang out and provide the ride? No thank you.
I've even gone "picking up hotties" with her once, simply because I had nothing else to do. She was the one doing the all "picking up," because every single guy in the area was either lame, or taken. So I didn't give a fuck. And not to mention that I ain't no ho.
Christina N. @ 11:54 AM
Wednesday, April 18
I'm seeing Grindhouse again this Sunday. FUCK YEAH!!! It's awesome how Lauren is still taking me, because it'll be her third time and I kind of feel bad for making her see it three fucking times, but she says it's all good because that movie of course kicks some major fucking ass. Dude, I would go see that shit every day if I could. She saw it the first time with me on the day it came out, and then spontaneously a week later, Helen calls her up and takes her to go see Grindhouse in a fucking drive-in theater near where she lives; which is in the middle of nowhere, literally. Helen is squeamish and hates gorey shit - I don't see why she would spend her money like that and subject herself to something she loathes, except to have the chance to say that she "saw that badass movie Grindhouse in a DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEATER, baby!" That pisses me off, in addition to getting to fucking watch Grindhouse in a drive-in movie theater. Oh well, suck it the fuck up!
You know what's sad? I went to bed at 3:00AM last night because I couldn't get off of eBay. Those motherfuckers really know how to hook humans onto useless shit. I was trying to win an auction that included 50+ Faith No More CDs and rarities, up until the price started soaring over $100 - this, added to the absolutely ridiculous $73 shipping cost from Australia. No fucking way, man. Not with how I spend money on toffee almond bars at Starbucks and loading up my closet with what seems like 40+ handbags within a 1-year timespan. The auction ended with the lot costing over $200.
Bitch! That lot included all of my children! My babies, man. Alright, so Faith No More really does mean a lot to me, but maybe not 280 dollars' worth. My mom would've busted a fucking cap in my ass anyway when I ask for her credit card. I can't get a credit card of my own yet and therefore have to use hers or my dad's when purchasing useless crap online. You know, because I am an inferior.
eBay is the perfect spot for people to purchase the dumbest shit that only they themselves care about. I don't think anybody within a 30-mile radius of me gives a flying fuck about Faith No More or Mike Patton, as depressing as that sounds. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe in every other house there's a closet Mike Patton fanatic. Lauren's dad likes to think that I am a closet Barry Manilow fan, but that's just a tactic to take off the focus from him and his Barry Manilow fanaticism. No joke - with the help of his daughter, they won an autographed 8x10 photograph of Barry.
Have you ever wondered? If there were vegetarians who sneak into the sewers every night, hoping to catch a dead fish that you flushed down the toilet so that they could eat it in private, because they just want to consider themselves as vegetarians for the novelty and attention of the idea?
Yeah!!!
Christina N. @ 9:15 PM
Monday, April 16
I think I have watched Pulp Fiction so many times that I am starting to laugh about every five seconds as I'm watching it. That shit is just too goddamn funny. And what's with this sudden surge of Tarantino haters? Fucking wussies. I've heard complaints about his acting and well, dumbfuck, he's not supposed to be taken seriously. Jimmy was fucking hilarious in Pulp Fiction and I laugh like a goddamn motherfucker every time he makes his coffee and dead nigger storage speech. Like I said, that shit is just too goddamn funny to pass up. Grindhouse still rules. I'm getting that bitch on special edition deluxe widescreen DVD with 52 hours of extras and featurettes in a gold-encrusted zombie box right when it hits stores.
This summer we're going to California for vacation for two weeks. Cool beans, but it really disappoints me just a tad bit(!!!!) that we are not going to San Francisco. Dude, Mike Patton lives there. I am going to stalk that motherfucker and taunt him when he's at Tower Records or is eating chicken and waffles at Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles. Not really, but a girl can try.
Just for the record, I'm not a stalker. Just thought I'd make that clear for you.
What if I ever see that man again and start yelling "SEXY! SEXY!" at him? Dude that would be the creepiest yet funniest fucking thing to do. Shit, that's like a dead-on sin right there, literally. Considering it totally confused him in New York, it would totally scare the shit out of him then. I really need to shut the fuck up.
I even dreamed about being at a Lakers game last night and Mike Patton was in it [at the game]. What the fuck? I don't even like sports. Or yellow. Or purple. Yeah yeah I don't like asians either. Although, I always crack up when I think of Kareem Abdul Jabaar having fainted in the movie Airplane! and as Leslie Nielson is pulling him out of his co-pilots' chair, you could see that he's wearing his Lakers shorts with his airplane pilot uniform.
But anyway, school was cancelled today due to "flooding." What flooding? The school's on a motherfucking hill for god's sake. So is White Meadow Lake and most of Rockaway. Lame excuses, but overall a good outcome. I woke up at 1:00 in the afternoon and ate dumplings and granola for lunch. So normal, right?
I still have to eat at Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles. It looks tasty.
Christina N. @ 4:50 PM
Sunday, April 15
Ew, man. I gained weight. Ever since that Peeping Tom concert, I couldn't give a shit and eat about five meals a day. I am still in complete denial of the whole experience. Fuck, I can't even listen to Peeping Tom anymore - or else I'd want to break down and cry like a fucking pussy. Not really, but the thought of having experienced a tremendous moment in history drives me fucking nuts. I do have to say that the New York show was more of a stand-out compared to the others on the tour because of the craziness coming from me and the rest of the crowd; plus Jennifer Charles and Rahzel both making guest appearances. Shit man, and I was only three feet from Mike Patton. Dude, I was the chick who was right in his fucking face - during a phenomenal show.
But anyway, not that anyone cares about the most pivotal and important day of my life.
Who else thinks that John Legend sucks? He really does. Motherfucker needs a new name because he is not a legend at all. His "We Don't Care" song or some crap is on the Banana Republic CD and it is the worst thing to be listening to when you are trying to fold t-shirts or sell clothing. Because:
1. There is no good song specifically for the folding of garments
2. When you are trying to persuade a customer (particularly a male one) to purchase clothes, you wouldn't want to think about fucking that guy in a car or your mom's house in fear of saying the wrong thing
Seriously, John Legend sucks. Not to mention that he's one hell of an ugly motherfucker, therefore he shouldn't be singing about that shit.
Gap Inc. in general needs to reconsider their music. There's also this weird (to say the least) cover of the Stones' "Emotional Rescue" and Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself." I can tolerate the Rolling Stones cover, but isn't "Dancing With Myself" about masturbation? I swear, because there used to be a show on VH1 about song meanings and that's what was verified about the Billy Idol song. You know, back when VH1 had some music-related shows still airing.
I bought a bag of granola last Wednesday and finished it on Friday. That sucks. I tend to stuff my face whenever I get in a bad mood, as opposed to taking the violent path because well, I don't fucking want to get a beating. (Yeah, so I am probably in a shitty mood 24/7 - yeah I bet that's what you're thinking) It really needs to stop. It's really bad when you go to bed fucking stuffed like a tar-filled balloon every night. That's not cool. With the denial of Peeping Tom and going back to school tomorrow only to see my skank-ho acquaintances again, things aren't going too smoothly in my head.
Seriously, fucking school, dude. At school you can't do anything about having to see the same dumbfucks every day and dealing with everyone's ego bouncing off the walls, and at work you could actually bitch (or do something with more democracy) about them and get their nasty asses fired. At school you get in trouble for doing things your way, and at work you don't for the most part - even if you get everything done in either institution. That's fucking bullshit. At school you are told where you can or can't fucking step foot on. Come on, do I look like I'm fucking four years old? Talk to me like a fucking bitch again and I won't listen - it applies to pretty much everyone. You get an eye for an eye - Hammurabi got that somewhat correctly.
And fuck this "senioritis" bullshit, because I never gave a flying fuck since the beginning. So shut the fuck up since nobody gives a shit about your "senioritis" because you mean nothing to adults, and especially nothing to college students. Is senioritis really the only thing you can feed your ego with? Then you are a goddamn sad motherfucker.
I think it's sad that I just purchased Airplane! on DVD and still proceed to watch it at work when I'm on break because they have it on VHS there. There's nothing else really to get me out of that "fuck you you fucking dumbshit customer who's trying to rip off the company" mood off as quickly.
So last night I was watching All the King's Men since my mom knows that I'm a huge Sean Penn freak and rented it for me. I had to pause it for a minute so that I could get a muffin or something. This was the frame that I paused it at:
Look at those EYES and how he always looks as though he doesn't have any teeth. Oh, and not to mention that no matter what accent that Sean Penn speaks in, he will always have that semi-retarded lisp.
Christina N. @ 8:45 PM
Thursday, April 12
Shit man, eat a bowl of granola. I dare you to. Fuck Ex-Lax and Preparation H. All you need is granola. Which reminds me of yesterday when John, Natalia and I bought a bag of sugar-free jelly beans that are supposed to have a "laxative effect" on you. I didn't get to try any, because I didn't want the shits while out on the road without a clean privy nearby.
This whole spring break has been some good times. I've gone out every single day; that's a goddamn first. Yeah, believe that motherfucker. Except for today though - I vowed to myself to stay home and do my art homework; two fucking paintings to do, just because every day in class I would take half hour-long bathroom breaks and then go on the computer for the remainder of the time. Tomorrow, Lauren and I are supposed to hang out again before I go to work. Don't know if I'm going to go to the I Love New York Reunion shooting at New York though. The Peeping Tom thing totally pissed off my folks just because I didn't call them during the concert to let them know when to pick me up. Lame.
I couldn't even move my arm back to reach into my pocket and get my goddamn phone because I'd be gutting the person behind me. And that girl was a fucking bitch anyway - she'd gotten into a fight already that night, trying to get a good spot in the front. It's dipshits like her that piss everybody off when coming to the show late, and then when Mike Patton comes onstage, tries to push her way forth to the front in 2 seconds. Talk about fucking recockulous.
But still, I quite firmly believe that I was not actually within Mike Patton's presence. Fucker, I wasn't even at that Peeping Tom concert for all I know. It's so difficult to even fathom being so close to the man of your dreams - six fucking feet. Cheesy, I know. But shit motherfucker, this is Mike Patton here.
Anyway, I bought the most badass, shitkicking motherfucking sippy cup yesterday from the dollar store:
Mr. Fantomas!
Behold his nectar!
And his pathetic attempt at a carrying strap!
Mr. Fantomas was named after another one of Mike Patton's bands, Fantomas; because he looks just like the pink bear featured in their Suspended Animation album art. I didn't even notice this until today, after having just eaten a bowl of granola and went to shit twice. Fantomas also has former Slayer drummer Dave Lombardo on what do you think - drums! FUCK YEAH!!!
Oh yeah, I also got a new purse. Coupons, bitch!
Christina N. @ 2:12 PM
Tuesday, April 10
Peeping Tom fucking BLEW ME AWAY! It was like an apocalyptic fire pterodactyl fucking me in the ass. Motherfucker, they fucking tore that venue DOWN right from the start when they walked onto the stage. Once Mike Patton walked onstage with two women on his arms, the whole place just blew up like a goddamn hot chili vodka geyser. He instantly sucked in the crowd for the entire show, like linguini. I did get front and center, right in Mike Patton's fucking face. He almost whipped me with the wire as he kneeled down on the speaker and almost hit Amy and I with the mic stand as he threw it off the stage because he didn't need it. Just three feet away from him. Three fucking feet apart from Mike-the-body-of-Narcissus-Patton. I was expecting to at least get a high five or something, being that I was right fucking there. Maybe it's because I kept thinking of Borat saying, "It's-a sexytime! High five!"
During Peeping Tom's set I kept yelling out, "SEXY! SEXY!" at Patton up until one point in between songs he yelled, "WHO SAID THAT? WHO SAID THAT?" as he darted his eyes around and pointed out guys in the audience, thinking it was them because since my voice got hoarse from screaming so much, I sounded like a guy therefore he couldn't figure out who it was yelling all those cat calls at him. Damn, that is just too fucking funny.
He first pointed out a guy who was next to my buddy Amy F. and demanded, "IS IT YOU?" and the guy just sarcastically shrugged and said, "Yes." Mike replied with, "FUCK YOU!" Everyone laughed their asses off at that. Then he pointed out this stoner and said, "IS IT YOU, HIPPIE BOY?" and started commenting on how the dude was stoned off his ass. When he asked the crowd if we were having a good time, he also pointed out this other guy and said "You're only having a good time because someone behind you is humping your ass!"
The crowd pushed so goddamn hard that I had a waffle pattern imprint all over my chest from being pressed onto the fence.
All of the songs were mindblowing, but I have to talk about "Don't Even Trip" because of the "finger salute" that Patton made everybody do. "Your Neighborhood Spaceman" also was fucking spectacular because of all the hilarious shit and gestations.
Amy and I were laughing so much during the whole show. Just Patton's presence and expressions fucking send me through the roof. Not only was he smooooookin' hot as all hell, but not even a single damn person could keep from checking out Imani Coppola too. Damn that chick be bangin'!
In the midst of performing Peeping Tom songs, they also performed "Get Up, Punk!" from one of Mike Patton's other bands, General Patton vs. the X-ecutioners.
The last song that Peeping Tom did was "Sucker," perhaps my favorite song. It was quite the sexy performance.
Dub Trio was also given a couple of chances to solo, and man were they amazing. They weren't agonizing like one of the opening acts, Miho Hatori. I mean, I have to respect Miho, but she seriously just did not do it for me. Nor Amy. We were fucking falling asleep on the barrier, or otherwise dozing off and staring at useless shit and equipment on the walls and stage. They were that bad. I laughed my ass off when Miho said, "This next song.." and then that random loud, obnoxious guy in the back of the crowd screams back, "NO MORE SONGS!"
The crowd was pretty funny, almost as hilarious as Patton himself. They kept yelling out Faith No More and Mr. Bungle song titles and "WOLFMOTHER SUCKS!" However, I think if Patton had heard the crowd yelling that, he would've been fucking pissed off to no end. New York is an odd crowd, I tell ya. Patton even said that the crowd was "too fucking white" after Dan the Automator said "this is quite a good-looking crowd!" Oh man.
I just about died when Peeping Tom came back out for an encore (after me screaming, "GET THE FUCK BACK OUT!"), announcing that Jennifer Charles was here and Lovage performed "Book of the Month"! I was about to fucking JUMP the fence when Dan the Automator said that he also went by the name of "Nathaniel Merriweather," which is his alterego for the band Lovage and that the band was going to play. Shit man, that's like a quadruple ka-pow along with Rahzel and another rapper (who helped out with "Getaway" and "How U Feelin'?") that made a guest appearance. Imani also performed one of her own songs, which was very exceptional. We totally lucked out for this show, since they normally wouldn't have so many guests.
Just before Lovage performed, Patton told the crowd to grab the person next to you and bring them home. I continually yelled, "I'M GONNA BRING YOU HOME, MIKE!" and he looked around, still not able to figure out who was saying that. Funny shit, man.
Meanwhile, Dan the Automator kept pouring out drinks into a stack of plastic cups that he brought onstage. Mike wanted us to go home on a good note and when Rahzel came out during the encore, the band performed "110th Street." It fucking ruled. The show fucking ruled.
After the show officially ended, Amy and I dashed outside to the tourbus to see if Mike would go inside, change, and take autographs, etc. This weird, fucked up guy came up to us and started lighting some type of crack or something and said that he was using us so as the wind won't blow out his lighting it. He was talking about how he couldn't spoon it. No way was it heroin? What the fuck? He then said to us, "Do you guys like each other?" And of course Amy said, "Uh, no." Then we slowly walked away from him as he said, "Awww man, what did I do?"
After an hour of hanging out with some awesome people and Pigeon John (one of the opening acts, who gave us mints, haha), we had to go. The rest of my posse stuck around (still waiting for the band to come out of the building) for 45 minutes and got to meet Rahzel and Dan the Automator. Patton sped off in a taxi cab because the dude was hungry. I'm still pissed off that I didn't stick around to meet Dan and Rahzel, see Patton speed off like a motherfucker nor scout out that damned afterparty in the meatpacking district.
Peeping Tom's tourbus. It's like a big purple dinosaur. Took this as we were about the tenth people on the line.
This is how close I was. Equipment. Wow.
Pigeon John! He was fun to talk to. Friendly guy.
Imani's violin!
Miho Hatori was an excruciatingly agonizing performance. However, she's probably a hundred times better on CD and just isn't a good stage performer. Whatever.
I did like her outfit though.
THE MAN!
He moved so fucking fast that whenever I was about to snap a shot of him, I'd get his back. What can I say? He even has sexy shoulderblades under that bulletproof vest and suit jacket.
Yes, I was that close, bitch! He looked at me a couple times, the longest when he was mostly hidden in the dark and I could see his eyes looking right at me - it was quite the astonishing moment. I couldn't believe it.
Imani Coppola! Fucking stunning as hell. I'd go lesbian for a day or two just to hit that.
Patton doing that hand wave that he always does. He also dribbled his face back and forth like a wild turkey with the microphone a couple of times and Amy and I went fucking berserk because it kicked ass and was fucking hilarious at the same time. Too bad I didn't get a shot of when his face was all funky and fucked up.
Imani
She is also a very talented violin player. First person ever to not bore me with a violin. Now THAT is something.
Photographers were the only people who got in way of my sight. But they eventually dispersed after the first song or so.
I was so close that I could've taken a picture of his nose hairs if I wanted to.
Butterscotch! She fucking blew us away with her beatboxing. She is also the International Women's Beatboxing Champion. Mike Patton has some awesome friends.
Patton whizzing around like a dillydally whackjob again.
Fuck yes! Probably doing the finger salute.
Come to ME!
The band and the crowd doing the finger salute during "Don't Even Trip," I think.
Butterscotch during her solo.
Yeah, baby. Move!
Dan the Automator pouring out drinks. Couldn't even count how many bottles and cups of booze were on that stage.
Dub Trio!
LOVAGE! That just fucking sent me through the roof, considering how much I absolutely go nuts for that band.
It's-a sexytime!
Jennifer Charles. It got really hot on the stage during towards the end of their song and she and Mike almost started grinding. Oh honey.
SEXYBACK!
Perhaps my best picture out of the bunch. Bastard didn't even share drinks!
RAHZEL
Performing "110th Street"
Having posted this, my pictures would probably start circulating all over the internet amongst Patton fans worldwide. Talk about lame fame.
Christina N. @ 2:32 PM
Sunday, April 8
Okay, the dumbest thing in the world is to get fucking water or earwax or whatever stuck in your ear before going to a concert. And I have that problem. Why?? I've never had water stuck in my ear for more than two hours. Fuck you, bitch.
Sooo on Thursday Lauren calls me up and says, "Hey Christina, do you wanna go see Grindhouse tomorrow?" Being the stupid oblivious shithead that I am, I say, "What's that?"
It only turned out to be the most amazing fucking movie that I have ever seen. Shit man, I've never had such a blast at a movie theater before; shit, that movie was like four hours long - no joke. In between movies (because you know, Grindhouse is a double-feature, for you uneducated folk), they had fake previews made by various directors. Rob Zombie's contribution, entitled, "Werewolf Women of the SS" was so fucking great that I actually in the midst of laughing my ass off, starting clapping like a motherfucker. And then there's of course that one guy sitting somewhere in the theater who laughs the loudest and the most often. Those are the types that crack me up too.
In "Werewold Women of the SS," fucking Nicholas Cage was in it as the chinese Ku Manchu. He had a long black moustache that went down past his collarbones and was wearing long purple robes. It was the funniest shit ever.
Sadly enough, even though the movie started at 1:30, it didn't even finish by 4:10, which was when Lauren and I had to walk out on the movie (MOTHERFUCKER!) so that I could get to work on time at 5:00. Jesus fucking Christ. But, we're going to see it again in the near future. Definitely. For the entire four hours this time.
It really baffles me how I had never goddamn heard of this movie before. Considering everybody says it's constantly advertised on telelvision. I know I don't watch much TV, but I do watch enough to know that it took five years for the romans to build their largest bath house. Howcome I never catch this Grindhouse shit?
In case you've been wondering, that last stint of "ditching" me didn't have anything to do with Lauren. Turns out that Raxa and Zara asked only Lauren to have breakfast and go watch a movie or something on Good Friday, but not me. But Lauren initially declined, because she was told she has to babysit (she told me first, because we had plans to go to Short Hills before she heard that she had to babysit). So, on Thursday the neighbors told her that they didn't need her anymore, and so she called me up without letting Raxa and Zara know to ask if I wanted to go see Grindhouse and have a grand ol' time. Which we did. Fuck the other ho's. No one wants to be around ho's. H and O mean NO.
Peeping Tom tomorrow! Send good vibes this way! I swear on my right ovary that I am going to get front and center and get Mike Patton's attention. He digs brunettes anyway, and probably asians considering a couple other factors. By the way, I don't know whether to identify people with black hair as "brunettes" or some stupid-sounding shit like "blackies" and be associated with clusterfucks such as Blackie Lawless.
Problem #2: What to wear?!
Christina N. @ 8:14 AM
Tuesday, April 3
After eating half a bucket of KFC chicken yesterday, you could guarantee that I was fucking bloated. So what turned into a single tablet of Rolaids to get rid of the discomfort of fullness, I eventually ate the whole pack. Dude, mint-flavored Rolaids are the shit. Maybe that's why I've been feeling weird and have a bad taste in my mouth, even two days after that whole fiasco.
Why did I eat half a bucket of chicken, half a tub of mashed potatoes, six brownies and three biscuits? That story is for another day.
Christina N. @ 11:50 PM
I was supposed to go to Short Hills this Friday, but Lauren bailed out because she has to babysit. Apparently, as I heard this morning while talking to her, Raxa and Zara, all three were supposed to hang out on Friday. Um, what the fuck? Were they supposed to come to Short Hills too? Or were they just going to hang out for the morning, which absolutely doesn't make sense? Why the fuck doesn't anybody tell me these things? I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Or is this some kind of another plan to ditch me? Jesus fucking Christ.
Sometimes I'm told that I am not informed of everything because I'm a firecracker. Give me a reason not to get pissed off, and then I won't get pissed off. Being stupid is what gets me angry in the first place, and which is probably the only thing that pisses me off. So everybody is stupid - that's why I'm pissed off all the time.
Like during that week when we didn't have to go to school until 11:00? Well, the first day I didn't hang out with them because I wasn't invited. I didn't know that they went out for breakfast in the first place until Zara was shaking around a huge, I mean fucking huge, must be a "grande"-sized cup of Starbucks when I first saw her that day. I had no remote idea of what was going on, so I innocently asked her, "Where did you get that?" Then all three of them tried to look like it wasn't their fault and Lauren said, "But we know you like to sleep!" Um, well, we've known each other for five years, do you really think I would rather sleep than eat junk food that I am not allowed to eat when under my parents' roof? I don't fucking think so. Lauren even said that she told Zara to hide the Starbucks when in my presence, but the conceited bitch probably wanted her Starbucks so badly that she didn't give a shit if I was about to pop a cap in her gonorrhea-infected ass.
Why has my crap been Friends Only lately? Because of the name dropping. I have enough shit on my face to worry about by these folks - I don't need anymore.
Shit man, I got yelled at by two teachers, two fucking days in a row. Four out of five days a week I get yelled at by some fucker who isn't related to me; and then I go home and get a couple scoldings and death threats from my mom for seven days a week. I'm surprised I haven't shot myself yet because this is just ridiculous. But it's probably just me, and that's why I always get in trouble. Nah. It also doesn't give anybody an excuse to treat someone who is almost eighteen like a fucking child. No fucking excuse. Except if I had down syndrome or something.
I barely ever talk anyway, so why the fuck be so harsh on me? Go bitch out some shitfuck who doesn't know how to keep their mouth shut and talks about nothing but their nails and their prom bid. Seriously, nobody cares.
But on a lighter note, Peeping Tom in 6 days! Shit man, I can't even fathom how tremendously monumental this is.
My mom and I are also going to go on a trip next week during spring break to finally seek out that Urban Outfitters store that's supposed to be in Livingston somewhere. Motherfucker, we've been dipping our noses into the catalog like crazy and there's one right there. Jesus fucking Christ. Maybe then I'll get to go to Short Hills too. Who knows. I doubt it though.
Did you know that Alice Cooper was born in 1948, just three years after World War II ended?
Christina N. @ 5:40 PM
