When I have nothing better to do, or when I am too much of a fuck-up to worry about college, I just sit on my ass all day and watch terrible, schiesty horror movies on this Monsters HD channel that comes with IO Digital Cable. You have no idea how sad of a sight it is to see me laughing hysterically with myself at giant turd monsters pelting innocent civilians with no effort at all, yet still killing the victim; or non-able-bodied men in gorilla suits and alien masks attacking skanky chicks in bikinis while making grunts as scary as little piglets make noise when they're eating.
Can you believe that I have not had a drink in over a month? Holy shnikies!
Okay.
Christina N. @ 10:35 PM
A "first reaction"-type thing. Can you blame a chica for being bored?
Beer: Can never finish one, surprisingly. Tastes terrible with cigarettes.
Relationships: that word makes me think of algebra, because the definition for algebra is the relationship between two parts of an equation
Purple: prince
Power Rangers: my childhood
Weed: fucking love the ganja
Steroids: The Rock and small cocks
Cartoons: mickey mouse and woody woodpecker
The President: monkey
Tupperware: food that smells bad and looks like sewage run-offs in Bulgaria
Best vacation: Italy
Santa Claus: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Halloween: stupid fucking movie where the killer's mask is made from a mold of William Shatner's face
Bon Jovi: I'd rather have cancer instead
Grammar: Kelsey Grammar and Frasier is goddamn terrible.
Facebook: pointless, yet oh-so addicting
Worst fear: dirty bathrooms and Groucho Marx
Marriage: far, far away
Paris Hilton: I couldn't give two shits? let alone one
Jew: the rabbi from Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Blonde: Marilyn Monroe, although she's a fucking fake blonde
Pass the time: nothing
One night stands: for skanks
Donald Trump: sometimes it looks as though he's got nests of blue-jays in his hair
Neverland: M.J. needs to get a fucking clue
Pixie Sticks: overrated and taste terrible going up the nose
Vanilla ice cream: plain and boring crap
High School: racist fucking skanks
Work: Banana Republic - 'tis alright
Pajamas: who gives a fuck?
Woods: Kevin Bacon in that movie where he's an ex-pedophile, The Woodsman
Wet Sock: gross, especially if you just stepped in dog piss
Alcohol: deee-lish
Love: sure, I'd go for that. and Camel cigarettes
Yankees: Derek Jeter is fucking ugly. End of story.
Christina N. @ 10:34 PM
You know what doesn't grind my gears? Food. If I get food baskets for my birthday or for Christmas, I would be very happy. One of my fellow co-workers wishes to get me a food basket full of Newman's Own products, for I am quite the Paul Newman adorer. Yeah, I bet I'd fucking marry a dude who cooks. Folks say that the way to a man's heart is food. Well, the way to Christina's heart is food as well. Not that I'm implying that I'm a man or anything.
Sadly enough, I can't cook to save my life. I mean, if I put enough effort into it, I probably would be somewhat up to par with Rachel Ray - and that's not saying much at all. That fucking skank needs to be exiled from the United States and be exposed to that drowning torture shit. Or more preferably, the Chinese bamboo torture.
But anyway - I thought I'd make up a list of unexpected music that I kind of find surprising that I enjoy. Just for the hell of it, because I have not a single goddamn better thing to do on this lovely 60-degree afternoon in February.
1. Botch
I love this shit. Normally I'm not really into that "hardcore" stuff, but boy do I love Botch. There's too many "-core's," anyway. Mathcore? Grindcore? Emocore? Shitcore? What the flying fuck.
2. Fine Young Cannibals
Not only is the music spiffy, but the guy dances in a silly way that mesmerizes me every time that I see him on TV. That's pretty much all I have to say about Fine Young Cannibals.
3. The Goo Goo Dolls
They are very, quite decent. And they never really sold out or pulled a fucking commercial stint, doing eight commercials that I have to watch back-to-back between episodes of Nip/Tuck. Or at least in my point of view. And one major plus with this band is that Johnny Rzeznik - holy shit I'd tap that motherfucker.
4. John Denver
No, I was kidding. I don't really like John Denver at all.
5. Pantera
I do recall way back in the day when I wrote an entire entry about all of the stupid sneering pussy faces that Philip A. Anselmo tends to make when posing for pictures and how he takes himself too seriously. That shit was funny as hell, and it is probably why I still find it silly every time somebody mentions Pantera. But, I do enjoy them.
6. Peter Frampton
Yes, he indeed borders on the "Adult Soft-Rock" theme that they perhaps play on radio stations such as Light FM or something lame like that. But I do say that he is a rather gifted guitarist. I don't know - he doesn't grind my gears, that's pretty much it.
7. Wham!
Oh god. Who the fuck doesn't secretly like Wham? A lot of people. But at the same time I know a lot of people who do like Wham.
LOL
Christina N. @ 10:34 PM
Work was lame. I worked for six hours and did not sell anything at all. But, that's the way to do it!
Since the store was really slow today, our manager made all of the employees do our "try-on" sessions, which is where we have to try on promotional clothing so that we supposedly know our merchandise better to improve our selling skills and whatnot. Improve selling skills my ass - I just had a good time trying shit on. But the bad part was - it made me want to buy shit; one of which included this cross-back dress:
$118 and with my 50% discount, comes to approximately $59. Now being that I am a poor college student nowadays, 60 fucking dollars is way out of my budget. But I couldn't resist - how hot is that shit, motherfucker? And to believe that I, of all people, does not already own a "little black dress." I have every other goddamn possible thing in a chick's wardrobe times five that's in black. It's pretty much all that I wear, because I am normally to lazy to exert too much cerebral energy into trying to match colors every morning.
You know what else I love?
You know what else I love?
Fuck yeah.
Christina N. @ 10:33 PM
Can I ever emphasize enough about how much I adore food? Or more rather, gastronomy - which is the art of eating. Food. We all love food, right? Even the anorexics do - they just deny it because they are nothing but pussy-ass motherfuckers that only like the taste of cock in their mouths 24/7. (Although I kind of contradict myself with that last sentence, but not exactly 24/7. L0L0LZ) If I could, and especially if there were no such thing as "gas," "weight gain," and "bloating," you bet I would be fucking stuffing my face for every goddamn minute of the day. Bring it on, bitch. Give me the fucking heart disease.
I have come to the conclusion that this is perhaps the worst entry that I have ever written. I also happen to have written the world's worst essay this morning before class, which I ended up coming late to because I had to finish writing my paper. It was assigned two days ago and I did not start it until 9:10 in the morning today, fifty minutes before class started. To be quite frank, it was a rather simple paper. The only thing that I should have done was put forth a little more research into it; and of course at least fucking started it on the day before it was due as opposed to less than an hour before it was due. Silly me. But I got it done nonetheless. It sucked balls, but I included honorable mention of There Will Be Blood in it just for the hell of it. Why not?
That is really kind of sad: Being that I am an English major, I can never start papers. And to think that last semester was really bad - I would sit in front of the computer swearing to myself that I would get the shit done early, only to be sitting there for another eight hours until 3:00 in the morning not having done anything at all. Right now, I just fall asleep exhausted at about 10:00 at night, planning on taking a 1-hour nap and then setting my alarm for 11:00. You see, when the alarm goes off at 11:00, I hit the "snooze" button. Yeah, we all do that; but I do that in addition to re-setting my alarm over and over until about 4:00 in the morning, when I just say "Fuck it" and go to sleep until 7AM. At 7AM I freak the fuck out and tell myself that I would take a quick shower and wash my Rapunzel hair in a record of about five minutes and be out the door to do my work in what I hope to be an hour and a half - if I drive to campus fast enough.
Never happened. I am always late. Currently I've been having a serious problem with getting out of bed. I used to be an expert at it and am always the fucking pro when it comes to promptness and being on time. What the fuck?
Christina N. @ 10:32 PM
So I ate pot brownies today, approximately 2 hours before going home. At dinner, my mother fucking flips a lid on me because she thinks that I have an eye infection. Who knew?
Christina N. @ 10:31 PM
Now as you may very well know (or experienced), I guess I could say that I have quite an anger issue to deal with. It is also very apparent that I all too often state every little detail in life that seems to grind my gears. So, in an attempt to prove to the world that I am not your average asian fusebox, I have compiled a list of nine things that I currently adore from least to greatest.
Nine isn't a lot, but use of the word "adore" should be sufficient enough if you ever want to sound like a pussy.
9. Soybeans
What food product doesn't have some sort of a soybean product in it? Whether it be the beans themselves or poisonous hydrogenated soybean oil that is found in many of our snack chips and Rice Krispies Treats, the soybean is a quintessential part of the Asian diet. We eat so much fucking tofu and tofu-fish and tofu-ham and tofurkey and all of that bullshit, that tofu is running through our fucking veins. Jesus fucking Christ - we are practically made of tofu, to be quite honest. Well, actually, more like rice. But I disowned rice because my mom always makes me eat it with shitty pickled vegetables.
8. Alice in Chains
To tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever met a person in my entire life who knows of Alice in Chains and dislikes them. Kind of hard to believe, right? It's either that I have a shitty memory, or that my first hunch was correct. But to my point - they're amazing; simply said. They used to depress me all the time, but right now I have gotten over that tween bullshit and truly appreciate them. And let's not forget their stint at our lovely New Jersey's Action Park on Headbanger's Ball, when Jerry Cantrell wore an electric blue speedo and recalled of mothers slowly pulling their children away from him, simply because their faces were at eye-level with his cock and balls.
7. Ravioli
I love ravioli, it tastes amazing. Especially with pesto sauce, or with alfredo sauce. Fucking delicious. 'Nough said.
6. B-Movies
The reason I chose this picture is because it is from a movie called Plan 9 From Outer Space, which is commonly considered as "possibly the worst film ever made," and it is very obvious due to the unsightly shadow of the microphone looming over the actors' heads and the cardboard airplane controls on their laps.
But how could you not enjoy a good shitty movie now and then? This shit cracks me up; and not to mention that these films always have the most peculiar plots (so blatantly declared by their titles) known to cinema history, such as: Slumber Party Massacre, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Motorpsycho, and The 3 Mesquiteers: Pals of the Saddle.
5. Jack Nicholson
Jack Nicholson has brought me many-a-good-time back in the day - and perhaps many more to come. My fondest memories of Jack are glorifying at his huge head as I watched Batman while under the influence, laughing at him getting his nose sliced by a dwarf named Roman Polanski in Chinatown, and watching Batman again sober yet still laughing my ass off. Oh yeah, and The Shining was pretty goddamned fucking awesome as well.
4. True Romance
Now - this movie, in every way, is fucking brilliant. True Romance is one of those types of films that consists of endless classic quotes and scenes that flash in your head when something somewhat related to those scenes happens in your own life - am I right? Aside from Brad Pitt smoking marijuana from a honey bear bottle, the "Sicilian talk" scene with Christopher Walken and Dennis fucking Hopper sends me through the fucking roof. I can't say much more, for it will give away some important aspects of the film. But if you please, the "Sicilian talk" scene is included in a YouTube video in the entry before this.
3. There Will Be Blood
I have to confess, and say that I traveled well over thirty minutes through the asshole-clogged highways of northern New Jersey to watch this film - twice. Only released in select theaters, There Will Be Blood was fucking amazing - and definitely well worth the trip. Normally I couldn't give two-and-a-half shits about the Oscars and other bullshit like that, but I am going to root for Daniel Day-Lewis all the way. The milkshake in Mr. Day-Lewis' hand in the second photo could 75% be explained in this quality video:
You would probably think that I am fucking nuts to put that here, being that probably none of you saw the other two hours and thirty minutes of the movie. But I swear - it is fucking worth it. Oh and not to mention, Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead conducted the score for the film and I just fucking loved that shit to no end.
2. Camel Cigarettes
Have I not emphasized my love for these pieces of murderous bullshit already? And to think, that John Wayne lost a lung and got a tracheotomy - yet still threatened his doctors to take away his last remaining lung just because he wouldn't quit smoking.
1. Ryan Gosling
Yeah yeah yeah - Denis Leary has been on too many of my compulsive lists and it is time to sing praise for someone who is just a tad bit more reasonably attainable just because he's not old enough to be my father or grandfather. As you could see, I am taking a break from the Irish today.
But onto my point - HOLY SHIT THAT'S HOT!
Christina N. @ 10:30 PM
Wednesday, December 3
What do you call a woman who has a black eye?
A woman that got punched in the face.
What do you call a woman who has two black eyes?
A woman who doesn't listen.
BURN!
Christina N. @ 11:18 PM
Sunday, January 27
I hate Harry Potter. If he and his two little bumblefuck friends weren't so nosy and actually focused on their Hogwarts studies to begin with, they wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble that took seven fucking dictionary-sized books to depict. Right? Am I right? Can I get an amen? Jesus fucking Christ. I don't see what is so captivating about those books and films. I hate nosy children. They should focus on their own fucking business and start building up their own fucking lives as opposed to poking their noses into other people's shit. Although, I wouldn't mind if they literally did that - I mean, I'd love to kick Harry Potter or Ron Weasley's (definitely Hermione, though) face into a pile of rhino dung. Wouldn't that be great? And then I'd tell the fucker, "That's what it feels like to have somebody's nose poking into their fucking business - they feel like shit!"
LOL
Christina N. @ 8:17 PM
Monday, January 21
Have I ever told you that I absolutely abhor olives? They look like giant green snots that probably taste like giant green snots. I don't know how people could possibly eat those, with the exception of olive oil because it just tastes like oil, pretty much. But I shouldn't be the one to justify that because I have never gone out of my way to swallow a whole spoonful of olive oil just for the hell of it, believe it or not - of all the weird things that I have ever eaten.
And I would like to bring up the notion of: Why do the Williams sisters make uncomfortable animal grunts when they play tennis?
What the fuck? Not only do those butches look like the epitome of what a black butch would probably look like, but why do they also have to make those unnecessary noises every time they hit the ball with their racket? My mom was watching the Australian Open during dinner today, and I couldn't help but notice that while Serena Williams was non-sexually grunting away, the other player remained silent and graceful. What the fuck? I find it so disturbing and questionable that I can't even laugh about it. Although I do say, that I would only laugh about it if Andre Agassi ever did it.
Christina N. @ 5:42 PM
