15. John Wayne
What is there to say about the Duke? He beat his wife practically to a pulp in The Quiet Man and has killed more indians (I mean, Native Americans) that would quite sufficiently get any poor country stabilized in terms of overpopulation (if you catch my drift, that is). Although not the most quintessential "hottest piece of ass" out there, I'd still hit it. Because he's John fucking Wayne and you can't turn him down, literally. I really fear the consequences of that.



14. George Carlin
This man is old as fuck and yet I still laugh and not find it creepy when he constantly talks about the female pussy in his books. George Carlin is fucking golden.



13. Daniel Day-Lewis
What can I say, I LOVE Daniel Day-Lewis! Although born in England, he is now an irish citizen - which only gives me an excuse to be on the list. Not only is he an incredibly serious master in the acting world, but he makes cute little cuddly faces with those pretty crystal-clear eyes of his. In addition to the puppy dog bow tie and The Crucible, nothing can ever bring down this man of immense well, awesomeness. Can I get an amen?



12. Bob Geldof
The picture explains it all. Any pale-as-fuck white man who willingly stands in the middle of a chocolate sea immediately gets the "Awesome" stamp. And not to mention that this sexy cat has a super-suave accent; if only I could show ya'll an example.



11. George Clooney
Whenever I think of this man, I only think of how funny it was that during the filming of Ocean's Thirteen, he and Brad Pitt went off to smoke marijuana when not at work. Nothing else needs to be said, except that I admit that I FUCKING LIKED BATMAN & ROBIN.



10. Gene Kelly
This dude made his most famous films in his forties, in which he always shagged newly post-pubescent young broads. Way to go! And also not to mention, this sexy brute managed to be manly as all hell with bulging pecks and all, even if he is perhaps the greatest dancer that I have ever laid eyes on. However, I would much rather have laid him in other ways, if you know what I mean.



9. John Cusack
I don't think I've ever heard anybody say that they didn't like John Cusack. There should be no fucking being on this earth that should dislike John Cusack. I mean, look at him - he's so lovable. Although, I do say he had bad taste in chicks in Say Anything. The gap in that broad's teeth that he fucked was as big as an ass crack.



8. The Baldwins
This is what happens when you condense all of the bad traits that could ever possibly be encased in one man and then multiply it by four.



7. Colin Farrell
Holy shnikies. He smokes, he swears, he has facial hair that doesn't look like pubes or the guy from System of a Down, and he has an accent - Colin Farrell is too perfect for me. The only one-up that he has from Denis Leary is that he is closer to my age; although, I don't think Colin cares about age or dignity - all he cares about is taking care of business. Now that is a manly man.



6. Chris Cornell
I'm speechless. I seriously am. This heavenly hunk of irish meat just speaks for itself.



5. Peter O'Toole






4. Edward Norton
Amazingly talented in all aspects of the arts, and that pretty much explains it. I also have to mention again that I'd hit that over and over and over again.



3. Clint Eastwood
Admit it, Clint Eastwood was bangin' as hell. His film resume is absolutely stellar; I don't care if he fathered about six kids out of wedlock throughout his lifetime and is a complete healthnut fanatic - I would've hit that.



2. Steve Buscemi
Quite possibly my most favorite actor ever - right after Paul Newman (goddamn Pole, which is the reason that he cannot be on this list). Every single fucking second that he is on the screen, I have to laugh my ass off. His brilliance never ceases to shine. If you got me drunk enough, I'd probably tap that; as peculiar as that sounds. Hey, personality comes first, right? But then again, I am contradicting myself with my coinciding infatuation with Colin Farrell.



1. Denis Leary and Conan O'Brien
Why are these two tied at 1? Well for one thing, can you really choose? If you automatically choose Conan over Denis, then I understand; you are a close-minded, stupid tool of a bumblefuck who doesn't know who Denis Leary is. That's right - I am talking about the Conan fangirls who don't know any television channels aside from channels 2 - 11, MTV, and the Lifetime Network.

But anyway, onto my point. The superiority of these two men is unbearable. Both of which are so supreme that they are both on the same level of ethereal dominance. And did you know...that they are distant cousins? All the more reason rendering me unable to choose between which one is greater - thus I have come to the conclusion that there is no real answer.