Monday, October 23
I'm sorry dudes, but it's time for me to complain. We all do this every once in a while. Go on Myspace or Youtube or Facebook or The Onion or some other utterly lame time-consuming website like those if you please. I am forewarning you.
Oh yeah and The Onion isn't shit. It's pretty alright in my book, actually. I just couldn't think of anything to say.
Today was an absolute waste, which I really shouldn't say; because at this age and point in my life I shouldn't be wasting even a goddamn second of it - primarily because this is the point where I'm supposed to be pretty much setting down the foundation for most, if not all, of my time left here. Youths are fucking close-minded and stubborn - it is very true. Many of our elders just basically refer to it as being dumb, but that's just what it looks like on the bare surface. I guess they're pretty close-minded too. Oh man when the fuck did I start sounding like that Charlie kid from Perks of Being a Wallflower?
To get an idea of how I spend my time in eight agonizing hours of school for about 80% of my week, sometimes alone or with an accomplice, at the beginning of gym class we run for the woods while the teacher isn't looking.
So I get another call at 7:25 in the morning from Lauren telling me to come to school. Telling me to make my mom drive me to the parking lot, get out, and then get into Lauren's parked car to unwillingly hang out with her for fifteen minutes before school starts. She does this to me every morning. It's either my mom take me, or I have to walk in the bitterly cold, frosty morning weather to her fucking car at school because she won't pick me up. Why won't she pick me up? To get a good parking spot, that's why.
Why the hell
call and
make someone come to school so early? People who are just too much of a wuss to do things independently really piss me off. It's a complete sign of weakness. When I sense weakness in a person, it fucking drives me off the wall. She can't stand hanging around by herself. Looks like someone needs a self confidence check.
I'm fucking sick of it, because I can't wake up in the morning and do my routine according to my own schedule. I can't prepare myself for the day according to the way that works best for me. So I'm pretty much mentally unprepared every goddamn day that I go to school. (I swear, at some point or other this year I'm going to start a brawl and smash someone's fucking head to glass-like shards with a brown metal folding chair.) She always calls me while I'm either changing or doing my makeup, saying that she's at school already. She doesn't even ask me when I'm going to arrive, or if I am. Just stating that she's there means that I have to haul my ass over there ASAP. Talk about selfishness.
I know that when you're friends with somebody, you're all but obligated to be there when they need you. Each person has to care about the other. But to be honest, lately I have not been giving a flying fuck about her anymore. I'm getting nothing out of this relationship. I don't even have opinions here. She doesn't even listen to my stories or struggles in life, nor does she offer advice whenever I do get the chance [between her pointless and incessant ramblings about her crushes on teachers] to tell her something about my life. It's all a one-way friendship. I never care anymore, mainly because I know she'll always be okay no matter what. I'm pretty much done with this mutual cooperation.
For example, once my mom drops me off (in front of Lauren's fucking car!), and we're both hanging out in her car, while she plays music on her iPod that's connected via adapter to the car's stereo system. Whenever I literally say, "Lauren, this song is fucking terrible." She ignores my statement and still continues to play it. Or when she's shuffling through her collection, and I hear a tune that I like, and say that I like it, she keeps on flipping through, completely disregarding my comment - to only stop at a song that I yet again say, "[Bon Jovi] is fucking lame."
I don't even have a say in what music we listen to together. Is my taste in music that bad? Not that I have a pitchfork up my ass, but I think that my taste in music is rather exceptional. To Lauren, my taste in music or pretty much anything else media-wise is obsolete. She never regards anything of my interest, and even once proceeded to insult Mike Patton at one point (not that my life revolves around the musical genius that he is, ha!) - While I have to support her music taste or any of her other interests for the sake of being a good friend and the fact that I respect and care(d) about her. Jesus fucking Christ.
In conclusion, being friends with her is taking such a toll out of me because I have to wake up even earlier (in addition to my already significant lack of sleep) and take so much out of my own personal time (which there isn't much anymore due to family matters, schoolwork, and work in general) to meet her deadlines. I'm getting nothing out of this, I never care about our (also known as
her) conversational subjects, and whenever we're talking, it's just her rambling to me about her $200 shopping spree every weekend at Old Navy or Bloomingdale's or Diesel. Or about her other rich friend who buys her designer merchandise. Do you think I give a flying fuck about what you buy? I get six hours of sleep every night, go to school twice as much as you do, clean my house, and go to goddamn work just to at least purchase a new sweater every few weeks or so, and now you're here talking about your indulgences, not even expecting feedback from the person whom you're supposedly having a conversation with? Puh-lease.
We've been friends ever since eighth grade and at this point, I'm about to fucking implode. But the thing is, I'm not sure how to tell her that I can't fucking wake up a half hour earlier every morning to just sit in her fucking car and listen to her crappy music and her crappy stories. To be honest, I seriously don't have a single person at all whom I could freely talk to. All the worthwhile folks are either gone, or moved on with their own lives. I'm the motherfucker who was born on the wrong year and is the only one left in high school. Everyone who I'm talking to as of current on a daily basis just makes me listen to their constant, meaningless-in-the-longrun bullshit. They're not really my friends, you could say. I'm just the fucker who stands around, listening to their selfish stories about love affairs and making big purchases with their rich family's money.
I heard this from an all-too-overly-popular comedian that instead of playing Survivor or Big Brother on TV, let's play "Struggling Through Life." Welcome to the real fucking world. The world where your parents don't pay for everything and you have to support yourself, and those that are close to you. Not that I fully and individually support myself yet, but I still have to pay for everything besides food and shelter. Those two things alone, are very hard to hold up. Lauren likes to talk about how she spends her work money on clothes and pathetic autographed Friends memorabilia on eBay. My work money slips through my fingers like water because I have to constantly pay my family back for the money that I borrowed. Yes, I know that I get about $250-$300+ checks from work nowadays, but most of it goes in the bank. I figured that while my house and food, etc. are being paid off right now by my parents, it would be best if I saved up for when they're not around for me anymore.
Tonight is Astronomy Night at the top of the football field at school, and it's only an exclusive hangout time with the awesome Dr. Smock for our astronomy class every few weeks or so, and we could invite anyone we want. Lauren said she'd take me, but also invited this other chick named Helen. I haven't enjoyed being around Helen since eighth grade. Why? because ever since eighth fucking grade, she hasn't fucking changed at all. It's like talking to a goddamn pubescent girl that's my sister's age. In technical terms, she (and many times Lauren too) is just not advanced enough for me; as selfish as that sounds. We don't get along anymore. Did I have any consent that Lauren could invite Helen? No. But then again, she's the one providing the transportation. Helen is pretty fucking dumb too (in addition to what I'd just said), because since she goes to another school, after meeting me a couple of times after eighth grade, I was never really warm to her in the first place. Hasn't she gotten the message already? Man, I've even ditched her and Lauren once to go drinking. But that led me to getting arrested. Silly me.
