Wednesday, February 8
Erica and I made up our own list of David Hasselhoff facts. Steal our facts and idea and you may soon feel the wrath of The Hoff.


30 Facts That You Never Knew About David Hasselhoff


1. David Hasselhoff contains enough hair on his chest to sponsor the entire North American Hair Club For Men.

2. Men don't need Rogaine to replace their hair. For a small quarterly fee, they can take the hair off of David Hasslehoff's chest and replace their long-gone tendrils.

3. According to statistics, the Farrah Fawcett pin-up poster has decreased 95% in sales due to a new line of David Hasselhoff pin-up posters from his Baywatch days.

4. David Hasslehoff doesn't need to use a net to go fishing - his chest hairs catch only the biggest and best fish.

5. There is no more need for musk to lure in the opposite sex - All you need is a collective jar of David Hasselhoff's armpit sweat.

6. The day that David Hasselhoff cries, is the day that Chuck Norris' chin will prematurely go bald.

7. A mere orgasm by The Hoff will cause for the entire Rocky Mountain range to collapse.

8. David Hasselhoff poops out gold.

9. David Hasselhoof poops out small round, gold figurines of himself that are wearing red lifeguard shorts. Once flushed down the toilet they gradually gather to become the Vietnamese Communist Army.
(Oh my god I'm so cruel to myself.)

10. David Hasselhoff has a time portal in his asshole. That is why every woman that he has fucked was never heard from again.

11. There is no such thing as vegetarianism, only those who have seen David Hasselhoff's penis.

12. Elvis died not from pooping out regular poop, but from finding out that David Hasselhoff was inside his small intestine trying to save Sammy Davis Jr. from drowning.

13. David Hasslehoff doesn't need to jump into the ocean to save lives, rather, he looks at the drowning, flailing victim and they float to shore. Of course, they don't show that on television because people might accuse "Baywatch" of not being realistic.

14. Clocks are not made in order of how long it takes for the Earth to revolve 360 degrees, but for how long it takes for David Hasselhoff to wipe out an entire species of bear.

15. David Hasselhoff wrote the how-to guide on mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

16. David Hasselhoff invented first aid for all the hopeless men who can't get laid intentionally.

17. David Hasselhoff created the world's first male impotency drug by crumbling up one night's worth of skin flakes left on the brick that he sleeps on every night and compacting them into a small capsule. We know this drug as Viagra.

18. The jewish star of David was created after the signature smoke shapes that David Hasselhoff puffs when smoking a branch.

19. David Duchovny once had large, magnificent blue pools for eyes. They are now of the asian slit-like variety for he had once questioned David Hasselhoff on why they share the same first name. This has also happened to French Stewart, for he is not very bright being that his name sounds like a variation of french toast, which is something that The Hoff will never tolerate to be compared to.

20. David Lee Roth, once a mega rockstar with the patterned, neon tights to boot, once competed with David Hasselhoff to see who had the hairier chest. David Hasselhoff not only won, he won the admiration of Germany.

21. David Hasselhoff doesn't need to put out an ad in the singles pages; rather the singles come to him. When he meets them, he doesn't have to take their clothes off; they just fall off when he gives them a once-over.

22. The standard for how large a penis should be is modelled after David Hasselhoff's penis.

23. There is such thing as a high tide and a low tide because even the ocean is in fear of The Hoff. Depending on how happy he is in the pants, the water recedes or secedes from the land. There is mostly low tide during the day because this is the time where Pamela Anderson runs across the beach with her dog.

24. David Hasselhoff is the reason why kids are afraid of eating broccoli.

26. After an animal has felt the wrath of The Hoff, it becomes what we know as canned meat.

27. The Hoff doesn't get crabs - he repels them.

28. David Hasselhoff once donated his kidney to an ailing swiss child. The swiss child soon died but the kidney lived on to co-star with David as Kit in the hit TV series Knight Rider.

29. The types of crabs that David Hasselhoff gets are so complex that they crawl out into the ocean to live and breed on their own. They are later fished back onto land and are served in Boston's top 5-star restaurants as king crab.

30. David Hasselhoff could understand the famous Pink Floyd film, The Wall.


Christina N. @ 8:15 PM