Monday, December 19
If it's one thing that I hate, it's socks. Fuck socks, man. They are the most uncomfortable things in the world next to metal chain thongs and it gets really disgusting when your feet are sweaty and you can't wiggle your toes to get any fresh air because they're fucking covered in wool or cotton or lint or whatever the hell they're made out of. What drives me into flaming murder is when people show off their multi-colored Winnie the Pooh socks that are stained black on the bottom. Fucker, don't show something off if you've stained it black, yellow, or brown. The people to whom you show it off to end up losing their stomach fluids. Ugly red socks with yellow polka dots and green pom-poms sewn onto the elastic around the ankles are hideous too. Or any kinds that people think are hardcore, like thinking a fucking guitar design on the side of a sock is cool. If you think that a guitar or an axe or a fucking lightning bolt sewn onto your sock is cool, then I suggest you saw your feet off. Don't even feed it to the dogs because even they will reject your nasty once-socked feet.

White and black socks do it for me. That's it. The only variations of lengths I need are ankle socks and regular gym socks. Pantyhose if you must for the right occasions, but usually not because I don't like the cold feeling when somebody snaps it. No fancy shmancy office socks that don't keep your feet warm at all and keep slipping down your foot so it bunches up at the end of the shoe, almost forcing you to wear those things that hold up socks that businessmen tend to wear. You know, those things that make you look like a pervert with hairy legs. I think they're called sock suspenders. Had they been raised up much higher up the leg, they'd look like gun holsters.

Not to mention that when at someone else's house where it may be messy and nasty as George Constanza's ass, and they make you take off your shoes for whatever reason (a reason that I don't get because their house is already dirty so why need to keep it clean from dirty shoes?), your socks get dirty and it is the most disgusting feeling on the bottom of your feet. Or if you step in something wet and the wetness and coldness stays in the sock for a long time as it dries, as opposed to your wiping whatever the hell it is off your foot with a towel. Fucking horrendous, man. Getting hair stuck on your socks and having to pull it out is absolutely appalling too.

Don't fucking ever talk to me about socks because I'd most likely want to smash your fucking face in with a brass fireplace poker and then toss your head in, L.A. Confidential/Russell Crowe style, into the goddamn fireplace itself.

What makes me feel even worse about socks is aerobics class, although the class in itself is pretty awesome. There's a matted floor so no shoes are allowed, and the teacher announces a Most Valuable Socks Award for every day. This is the time where I see people show off and be dumb about their dirty and ugly socks, which probably cost too much for just two ugly designed pairs. It's fucking horrifying. I'd rather have a Most Valuable Feet Award because I'd totally win that, hands fucking down. Because you know, asians for generations bind their feet into tiny shoes and therefore mutating into pretty feet. Unless your ancestors were farmers who go around barefoot all the time stepping in poop. I guess mine wore shoes.


Christina N. @ 5:47 PM