Thursday, November 24
My parents woke me up at 8:00 in the morning, thinking that Circuit City and Jennifer Convertibles are open from 5:00AM to 11:00AM today. Since we found out that they aren't open by firsthand experience, they decided to go to their friends' house. This family of two parents and three kids. I didn't really want to go there in first place, being that I don't think such a successful family as theirs could pair up very well with a jerkoff like me. Which we don't all that much, but me and the girls engage in small talk pretty easily. I hate the son, who's a sophomore or a freshman I don't know, to the fucking core because he's a fucking douche. Not to mention that he looks like a monkey with ears of cymbals and the eyes of those slots on soda/snack vending machines where you insert dollar bills into. Had he not been so tall and hunchback-y and monkey-like, I'd fucking deck him in the face the next time I play Monopoly with him. It's not that he beat me at it, he just has this stupid rule of playing up to a certain point and forfeiting in the middle of the game, needless of winning or losing or if there's three other people still playing. I have no idea how that rule makes any sense or any gain at all for him.
Nah, I don't really hate him that much. I just wanted to say that because it feels good. But anyway, since everybody bored me and kept disappearing and doing their own business, I decided to watch TV by myself in the family room of their house. And guess what movie was on Sci-Fi this morning? Army of fucking Darkness, man. I finally got to see the entire thing this time (except for missing about three or five minutes of the very beginning) and it is so fucking cheesy, cheesier than that stupid Kraft Mac & Cheese dinosaur, that the movie was so fucking excellent. I laugh so hard during that film, that I even laugh at the phony "don't fuck with me, you fat fucking bastard" looks that Bruce Campbell makes.
Yeah, so I sat there for two hours watching some great fucking entertainment and freezing my ass off at the same time. That house is so fucking cold, that I bet if a guy were to just stand in front of the fireplace for five minutes, his balls would be turned into two-of-a-kind special Christmas tree ornaments. Since I was wearing my mom's hand-me-down sweater, the sleeves [and entire shirt in itself] isn't that long so my hands were fucking cold, so I sat in laughter with my hands squeezed tight between my legs, which didn't really do much because I'm not the size of the likes of Larry the Cable Guy. It was so fucking cold in that house that I was shivering, and laughing at the same time, in front of the TV. I guess the patio doors and door to the garage and the ice and melting snow outside had something to do with the cold factor in that room too, and it baffles me how the kids went around in shorts and no shoes.
The house was dirty. Dirty not in the way a whorehouse is (emotionally, but a whorehouse would probably have some sorts of crust all over the place too), but dirty as in an Algerian port-a-potty. Since I was on my rag and sat on a futon watching Army of Darkness and laughing, laughing which causes lots of bladder leaks, sat up and went to the bathroom upstairs. And holy fucking shit, my face looked exactly like
this.
The hand explains for me in fear of the hair and dust and crust and mildew suddenly jumping at me and rubbing itself into my face. I have a major obsessive compulsive disorder like Detective Adrian Monk. That bathroom basically looked like
this. Man, I was even afraid to keep my eyes open. But I had to, in case of any jumping clumps of hair. Just taking a single step and feeling all the dirt and grime and hair and dirty black-stained bathroom mats under my boots sent shivers down my spine. Even when I was done taking a shit that I had to or else my ass would've self-imploded, there were fucking strands of hair hanging off the edges of the sink. Man, even the bottle of handsoap was filthy. Then all my hard work in washing my hands went to waste when I had to touch the doorknob to get out. Even the air in that fucking Michael Bolton of a bathroom was downright hideous because someone had just taken a shower in it, so it was humid and muggy and warm and hard to breathe in, and the mirrors were foggy so I couldn't even fucking see myself. The foggy mirrors was one good thing, because it would've doubled the view of the dirtiness of that potty chamber.
I have this horrendous phobia of dirty things jumping at me and pulling me down into the scumminess of the bathroom, like
this.
The family invited my family to go to some other family's house with them later today for Thanksgiving dinner this evening. We said no and lied that we had to go somewhere else. Since we lied that we had to go somewhere else, we didn't go somewhere else and just went home afterwards. I ate some leftover pasta and mashed potatoes and steak from last night's dinner that I missed due to working, and man was it fucking good and makes me stuffed even until two hours later.
Tomorrow I have work at 4:00PM to 10:00PM so me and my mom are going Black Friday shopping in the early morning. First we have to get to Burlington Coat Factory or Macy's or some shit to find me a new coat. Every single one in this fucking house is too short and I guess the Jolly Green Giant flew to my house one night and sprinkled some of his special Miracle-Gro beans on top of me when I was sleeping. Then we're going furniture shopping, which I am guessing is going to be extremely difficult. Moreso than the coat (leather jacket) hunting.
