Sunday, May 15
I've been overhearing a conversation that my mom was having on the phone with my grandfather in California. Upon that he's visiting next month, not only to see us but that he's starting invest in purchasing a computer and not being left behind in the times. So his partial motive of coming over here is to learn how to use one. My folks being not as fluent with computers and that they don't have that much time on their hands, my mom wants us children to teach my grandpa on how to use a computer - from start to finish, everything and anything that he'll need to know for when he goes back to California.

Well, I'm positive of this, my grandpa on the other line asked if I was going to teach him, and how well I knew computers. My mom said that I am the goddamn master at PCs but on the flipside I am very difficult and irritable to talk to. (Those and these following sentences weren't her exact words, I'm just translating it to my language and style of speaking.) She said that when you talk to me I am very difficult and that I never want to help and when I do, I say it in a cold tone and I never give any side advice. Therefore I am a cold human being and am not easy to talk to at all. On the other hand, my mom says that she'd rather have the younger sibling show my grandpa because besides the fact that she's still a kid, but she's fun and easy to interact with and she will always give you extra advice and side information on anything.

My take on this is that generally I don't like my mother or anybody else saying negative things about me, but these things are true. I'm also not that irritated (although I do take that she does think quite negatively of me and my personality, of me as a person all around) because she wasn't dissing me like some sack of shit, or like me saying shit about Gwar or some crap pot like that.

Yes, it is true. In person or in public, I seldom speak at all or show any emotion, hence having an extreme lack of warmth when around others. Yes, it is true that I get irritable when people ask me to help them with something. But that is where the facade of the irritability stops. I am extremely aware that I could lose patience quite easily at times, but my family, and people who are extremely slow for either their age or surroundings don't take in anything within the morbid ease that I could explain things, it gets more and more tedious and frustrating for me. Therefore heating up my veins.

Yet for some reason this only happens with persons who I am extremely close with, as you can see, my family and a small few number of friends whom I've known for years. Yes, I have that habit that if I'm with someone for too long I tend to rather not see the perfection in their flaws but instead I get more frustrated with those defects. I wish I could listen to Robin Williams in the movie Good Will Hunting, when during one of Will's therapy sessions Robin is talking about his wife, and that weird things about someone is what makes them so special - it's their traits of perfection.

That fact about me and the "flaws" in people does have another turn, although. Of course I see some of the "defects" in certain people to be what makes them unique and what I love about them, it's just, I hate to bear this upon the whole world to read, it's some parts of their stupidity that really gets me. The parts of them that take in things slowly or their dumb habits that tend to get in my way. I've got to work on this. Maybe, and probably, it isn't stupidity at all. It's just a part of their individuality and yet another part of their perfection, as we could call it.

In another away, you could call it snootyness. It could be that sort of thing when smart people look down upon stupid people and the fact that they can't do anything. The advantage that brains have, that they have the power to manipulate and do pretty much everything they want and regard to those who aren't as acute in their minds as those who are lower than the brainiacs are. I hate to admit that, but that is what I am. I cannot say that I am smart, for this is a horrible trait to have. And I am probably no more intelligent than any adult or child or person of my degree in my family [or anyone else], but their disadvantage of lacking a proper english accent is what commonly people say could make one seem dumb. Which is very hypocritical, being that I despise academy kids to the deep end and this is just the way that they treat others. I am so disappointed with myself.

My point is, I am aware of my some of my personality defects, probably this one the most severe next to my lack of motivation (laziness) for pretty much anything and anyone in life, and that I must fix it. But you know, when someone tells you about a problem you have directly to your face, especially about your personality - your indivdiual, unique self, your exact person - that they have to change; it is terribly effortsome to do so. It's not easy to change yourself. It's not easy to change who you are, the sole being of whom you are, your rock solid persona. It's hard. I've been aware of my irritability for so long and I have not gotten anywhere at all as to fixing it. Maybe because it's just who I am. Or that I need military discipline and such extremes as the like in order to change this habit.


Christina N. @ 10:57 PM