Saturday, April 23
Worst band name ever: The Cubes of Ham

That's right, I thought it up all by myself. While I was chopping up pieces of ham for the pizza that my mom and I were making. Music never gets out of my mind, even when I'm on the can. I'm a stupid fuck like that. One night, I think it was last Sunday or Monday, and I just woke up in the middle of the night for no reason and suddenly out of nowhere, just like my having been woke up for no reason, I get "Buddy Holly" stuck in my head. What makes it so weird is that I haven't heard that song in about a year, or maybe even longer.

I don't get why this time while chopping onions I cried like crazy. It's like, once my allergies start to seriously fuck up, onions start to fuck me up too. When one plant fucks with me, all plants fuck with me. Stupid fucking plants. They're fucking stupid because they grow out of dirt. Dirt. Dirt as in dirty. Dirty is often associated with slutty, which is just full of shit. See, you fucking plants ain't got nothing good going for you. You grow out of the fucking smutpot that we call the earth and very often lots of animals take shits on you. You got nothing going for you. So kids, don't be a plant when you're going to be reincarnated. I'd rather be a toaster. Because no one ever shits on a toaster. Have you ever heard of someone who has shit on a toaster? Uh, no. You'd fucking burn your ass and leave an equal sign across your two ass cheeks. And when you gotta go to that school play of yours, with that math song and when your classmates hold up their signs - one kid holding up a sign that says "2," the other one holding a sign that says "+," the next holding up one that says "2," and then suddenly you throw your stupid ugly fucking cheaply made construction paper sign across the stage, pull your pants down and show to all of the parents in the audience your all natural proppy buttcheeks. You don't need your teacher's handmade props. Your natural meaty ones are way better.

And just fucking forget that last kid with the last sign. He probably wrote "5" on his anyway.

But still, nobody ever shits on toasters. What if there was bread cooking in the slots? Who the hell wants a chunk of carbohydrates up their ass? Uh, nobody. Bread is not toilet paper or constipation medicine, missy. Have some fucking common sense. There is no way in history or the future, or even right now, that anyone would ever shit on a toaster. There's just no sense whatsoever in that. A book, I understand. Because you could just rip out the pages after taking your dump as toilet paper. If you ever decide to shit on a book, I recommend one about Axl Rose. You'd be putting your ass on pussy. Makes perfect sense. It's like butt sex in a way.

And if you do happen to shit on a toaster, do not even think about thinking that it will cook and disintegrate your shit, therefore putting the sanitation company out of business. It will leave a horrible aftertaste for the next person who's going to use that toaster to toast bread. And I don't think scraping off the excess flakes with a knife won't help either. So basically the toaster is wasted, unless you just use it specifically for taking a shit.

Then what to do with the toilet? I honestly don't know, except that you could maybe try to create some kind of a new "modern art" kind of fountain for your front yard.

I think I have developed a new fetish. No more chocolate. It is now California oranges. Today my mom taught me how to peel them in that special way where you don't have to hold the slice with both hands but like in the clementine way where you just put the whole piece in your mouth. And from that moment on I felt my life skyrocketing to a bright and beautiful future.

My mother and I are the worst pizza makers in history. It could be because we're asian. She didn't buy oregano, and she didn't buy the right type of cheese. What's even worse was, after already putting on all of the toppings and shit and putting it in the oven, she forgot to put salt and in a rush, accidentally puts way too much salt on it and then sticks it back into the oven. Eating it was like eating a flat clump of sand that was picked out of the ocean floor. Well my pizza was better I would have to say, because I didn't put as much salt. Yes, that is the best I could boast about my pizza making skills.

Sometimes Bon Scott's voice is too gurgly. He needs to clear his throat and spit out a nice big loogie. Preferably on Malcolm so he could totally flip out and we could watch him go bonkers. And yes, Bon Scott is extremely ugly. I couldn't help but notice that his nipples are about three inches lower than they are supposed to be. Or maybe it's just that his chest hair starts at around the middle of his chest and it gives the illusion of wrongly placed nipples. He's gross. And I remember watching Behind the Music: AC/DC, and them saying that he'd constantly get into bar fights and he'd constantly get his teeth knocked out. Even more gross. If he were to be a woman, he'd probably be one of those with those naturally saggy boobs, drooping all the way down to his dangerzone. Now I know I'm going a little too far, but I only speak of the truth. No lies from Christina, ever.


Christina N. @ 7:40 PM