Saturday, April 30
Wow, that last entry was horrible. But I guess I really had some things that I really wanted to get down before their memory becomes too lost and faded and loss of integrity in my brain of shit. For some reason I just love it when friends play tricks on me, it shows that they care and pay attention.

I feel so distant right now. I can't talk to people other than the ones whom I'm really close to. It's probably because there's this stupid feeling that practically the whole world and mostly everybody around me is just fucking with me most of the time and those who do want to listen to my problems are just kissing my ass the entire time, saying that nothing is my fault or anybody's fault, or it could be those who I've had problems withs' fault. On AIM I can't even stop hiding, some folks just bother the fucking shit out of me. And I can tell that most of them don't even give a fuck that I'm going through mental turmoil and perhaps (or probably) an epiphany later on.

Talking to Shaina last night really helped. It put things in another perspective. She helps me so much in so many ways that she could replace Jimmy Page as god but that's just ridiculous. I don't believe in a god. It's a joke. And Shaina ain't no joke. Neither is Jimmy Page but he's got pedophelia. Anyways, I need to let some things go and move on. Which is extremely hard to say, because I guess I tend to care about certain people too much even if I don't even know them well enough. I hate admitting that so far in this one person I've only seen the top layer and nothing inside. But then there's that feeling when I talk to them and look into their eyes that there is indeed something beautiful inside. I could be wrong, or I could be right. The curiosity of wanting to find out is so strong and overbearing, and that being told to let go is profoundly difficult.

Details. There's just so much and I've typed it so many times to so many people (whom 90% of them just kissed my ass and said nothing really of much value) that I just can't stand to write a totally watered down version after so many so-called rough drafts before. Maybe I'll clear things up another time but for now, I need to figure my shit out and until then I might have something even greater to tell you kids about.


Christina N. @ 1:13 PM