Tuesday, April 12
I guess I ticked. Big time. When I asked my mom if I could go to Britt's house tomorrow, she said, "What are you gonna do?" I say, "I don't know, have fun and stuff." Then she doesn't answer me and goes on with her business. I took it as a no and went on a silent grudge - went into my room, closed the door [with no slam at all], and refused to comply to her jokes later on when she came in, trying to cheer me up. Along with my nonacceptance of her kidding around and offering to take me to Jeannie's house tomorrow and delay the washing of the car to Thursday, I get this fucking full-on persecution of my horrible behavior as of late. Apparently, I am not a good person. Apparently, I don't love anyone. Apparently, I am extremely difficult.

My mom then continues on persecuting, talking about how I never talk or get close to anyone. And how I treat my family like crap.

Let's rewind this a bit. To yesterday. So the sibling is in the dining room at the computer doing shit, and suddenly she yells a demand across the house, "CHRISTINA COME FIX THIS!" If it's one thing that fucking blows my fuse and releases my inner Axl is when people, especially those younger than me but who are at the right age to at least know manners and decency, fucking demand me to do something for them without asking. If it's one thing in the world that I appreciate the most in terms of human interaction, it is manners and respect. And that tone that she used on me was the complete opposite of everything I'm for. It completely lacked respect and manners. I fucking got furious and tried as hard as fucking hell not to scold while helping her with the computer. Then when I got back to the couch where I was reading my book, I saw my mom lying on the other couch giving me the evil eye pertaining to my anger. This whole fiasco could have been the main evidence in her argument of me treating the family like shit, especially the sibling. When it comes to principles I stand strong. It's something that I've grown to firmly stand by no matter what.

Fastforward to today. So the mother talks about how she doesn't even know how her own daughter is, as a person, and pretty much everything. Her personality, interests, friends, style, nothing. Not even intelligence level, obviously. She takes me for an inconsiderate fucktard who's extremely difficult to deal with, in terms of right now and for my future. She takes me as a dumbass who can't read, just because I told her that I had to call the library to renew these books for the third time, and that I can't answer the precise organ in what blood is made in (this was some other topic of discussion a long time ago that she totally, literally got to me by mocking my not knowing of it).

Of course, I still love my mom. It's just that she needs to understand that I am not the talking type and this is the reason that I am such a mystery and I come off looking like an asshole. To be completely honest, I don't know how to talk! I don't know how to bring up a conversation and keep it going. It's so hard, and I spend most of my life regretting not talking to a lot of people in past opportunities. It hurts pretty bad that I just cannot show compassion.

But I seriously think this whole situation could've been avoided had I not been having pre-menstrual symptoms. As I've constantly been saying, it's seriously affecting my life, it's that fucking bad. It could also be the birth control, which causes wild moodswings also, possibly to an even wilder extent such as me. Yet, I didn't use this as an excuse because she wouldn't believe me and in the end, all the aforementioned traits would still be there had I not been expreriencing craziness. The craziness just makes things worse, like my temper. The problems have been caused already, the moodiness just escalates the volatility of a potential problem.

So I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. And I'm terrified.


Christina N. @ 11:37 PM