Saturday, March 12
So just over dinner I talked to my mom about this racism issue that's been on my mind lately that had developed from events that went on this week. I was pretty surprised to hear that she totally understood about the people with the most superb grades are extremely racist and arrogant, and she understood every single fucking point that I was trying to make.

I have to say that I fucking hate academy kids at the school. I look down upon them with scorn and such hatred, and this is a serious scorn, possibly more than my abhorrence to Gwar. It's kind of hypocritical to hate anyone at all according to my personal views of having opinions on other people, but when you fucking strike fear into someone whom I care about, something that could relate to all of humanity also, you're going to fucking get it. Well, just my hatred of you for now, but in the future karma is going to beat your fucking biased ass.

Now let's make this clear. Academy kids are the super supposedly intelligent people in school with the most excellent grades and on the flipside, no compassion or anything else that makes up a heart except for others of their own, let's say, academic brain capacity. This is about most of them, not all. Not all are assholes like that. Just because not everyone else doesn't have the greatest grades down on paper doesn't mean that they're any better than you or are even smarter than you.

One issue is about those who refuse to do well in school, and hate working. Then how are they so smart? In my opinion, and from my own perspective and personal belief, they find other things in life to be more important than getting simple A's and A+'s on paper that get you a free pass to a good job to work for in the future. I've found love in a lot of people, I like to see what they have to offer, as in exploring human nature, finding compassion within others, figuring how the world goes and its certain patterns and such. I find these things to be much more important - important in the long run and when it comes to being a person and sustaining your integrity as a decent being.

And some other people are just not into anything at all, grades nor compassion of others. That's a whole other story. I could just say that they're not, I guess, open-minded to either academics or humans - a lack of wisdom and maturity, is what could explain it.

Now, would I really hate these fucking academy kids to the deep core, to the point of murder or some kind of form of "racism?" No, I just hate the fact that they could think and treat others like that. And if they change, any of them, at all, sure, I'll forgive them and think better of them, even befriend them at that. They need to fucking smash open that fucking mind of theirs and open it up to everyone else around them, not just to their own "type," and treating everybody else like I would treat to a Poison fan at a Megadeth concert.

Right now, and all afternoon ever since I tore up that progress report behind my mother's back, I'm starting to regret it. She deserves the goddamn truth and to know everything about me that's going on, to help me improve myself and guide all my stupid fucked up shit of an adolescent mind that I have. The only way that I could even closely fix this problem, because completely reversing the burden of regret is impossible, is to actually try to do better in school, because for ever since I've gone to school, she told me that all she ever wanted from me was not to be beautiful, not to be fucking sexy as hell or to be popular or anything, and that all she wanted was for me to do good in school. It's about time that I finally fulfilled her wish.

Of course she wanted my affection too, but I bet she already knows that. The affection comes from the mere fact that she's my mom.

It's not easy writing all of this, these are points that really get to me. I could yet go deeper, but I'll save you the second Niagara Falls.

I'm starting to really like all my time of boredom and not doing anything. It helps me to think and look at everything in a more in-depth way, not just the mere facade of it. No wonder I'm writing so much shit. Of course I've noticed that during the weekend or a break and I have nothing to do and I'm just sitting in front of this stupid piece of shit for hours beyond hours, I come up with a lot of shit to write. That's cool.


Christina N. @ 7:01 PM