Wednesday, March 30
My mother has the strangest bathroom habits. Yesterday when I was taking a shower, she comes charging in, takes a really nasty shit, leaves, and doesn't even spray anything to at least lower the fatality level from a 1,000 to a 999. So, I had to get out of the fucking shower stall and spray the Glade Lavender Scent a few [hundred] times. And then I heard her cackling in the hallway about her amazing work.

Today after dinner, I had to take a pee break from eating ice cream. While doing my business, from outside the door she yells, "WHO'S IN THERE?" I yell back, "ME!" My voice is very distinct. No one has a voice as low quite like mine, so I didn't need to specify my name. So after I leave the john, she goes in and then while on the seat doing her business, she yells, "OH GOOD, THE SEAT WAS WARMED BEFORE I GOT HERE!"

So I learned today that my family is much like Dynasty. Or at least on my mom's side. She told me all these crazy stories about certain family members on her mother's side, and I swear, it is fucked up shit. Apparently, they were all beautiful people who had fucked up lives and in addition fucked up other people's lives too. That's why it deserves a numbered list.

My Grammypoo's Fucked Up Yellow Trash

1. One of her three brothers was a heroin addict who sold his house and belongings to feed his addiction, often jumping from rooftop to rooftop back in Vietnam, stealing people's chickens. He eventually died of an overdose.

2. Another brother is a gang member. If you didn't give him money when he asked for it, he'd still be yelling at you through the window from outside even after you kicked him out of the house. He likes to beat people with knives and steal money.

3. The last brother is a pimp. He has/had many girlfriends, and when he finally runs out of babes to woo and waste his money on, he goes back to his sister's house and she takes care of him, financially and offers him a home. Not sexually though, I hope.

4. She has three or four sisters, supposedly all hot babes too. One set herself on fire and killed herself, because she had found out that her husband was cheating on her with her own sister.

5. That sister, I think whom is the prettiest one, that had the affair with the burnt woman's husband, then lived with him after the cookout. He later died of a sickness and she remains alone to this day, I think. She's also had plastic surgery on her face, and for a forty or fifty-something year old woman, could still wear hot pants in public without looking like a saggy pumpkin.

6. Another one of my grandma's sisters, the one in France, has four sons, all of which have illegitimate children and commit corporate fraud.

And that's all that I could remember for now. I have a feeling that I'll be an addition to this list in the near future, if not already.


Christina N. @ 7:50 PM