Tuesday, February 22
Over the past month I've been spontaneously making up good and bad possible/potential band names. For what reason? If by chance I ever discover a secret talent (which won't happen) or whatever else these names could be used for. I'll start off with what every conformist list maker starts off with: the shitty portion.
1. Washington Avenue - This is god fucking awful. Fifty bucks says there isn't already a struggling crappy emo band with this name.
2. Papercut - Sounds like a Nine Inch Nails/Three Days Grace kind of thing. I can't believe I just paired Nine Inch Nails with such utter shit.
3. The New Gwar - Self explanatory.
4. A Day Like No Other - This band would be in the A Day at Risk, Three Days Grace, Hoobastank league. The dude from Dashboard Confessional would highly be likely to be in this band.
5. Forgotten Sorrow - Conor Oberst or Davey Havoc's fucked up cousin.
6. Lone Dog - Tim McGraw meets Outback Steakhouse meets Droopy.
7. Penny Lane - Not a bad song, but a terrible band name. There's a band called Say Anything, and this potential band name originated from the idea of taking something that was once credible and forever tainting its reputation, because then the original will forever be synonymous with pussy-league Axl produced corporate machine emo tears. I'm sorry, George, Ringo, John, Paul, but I'm probably not the one who made this up.
8. The John Meyers Band - A folk band that attempts at the likes of Dashboard Confessional and John Mayer.
9. Tainted Rose - It's Hollywood Rose that continued in their fucked up lives but never discovered the glory of heroin. Imagine Izzy Stradlin actually combing his hair over his face and Axl Rose wearing pants that sags down to his balls, or shall I say pussy.
10. Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, and Starr - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, you fucking can't come up with a better name?
I made up some others that were pretty foul, and that weren't just made up right now. Unfortunately, I forgot them. A hundred bucks says whenever I remember them, I'll forget them by the time I get to a pen and paper.
Onto the good ones. Use them and you fucking get a vinyl Gwar album doused in acid up your ass.
1. Black Zephyr - My first choice for a band. I hope it doesn't sound like it was copied from Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath, because it fucking isn't.
2. The Fast Food Suicides - Jamie and I made this up last year, she said it was the perfect name for a ska band. I give you permission to use this one, because although it's a cool name, I don't like ska. That is, if you get through Jamie first.
4. Siddhartha - My second choice. I originally read it as a fictional band in a book, and thought that it was just too fucking cool. It's also a buddhist term, like Nirvana.
5. Violet Rider - Velvet Revolver spinoff of a name I guess. But it sounds more smooth of a band. So this band would be something like Pink Floyd I bet.
Yeah and I'm out. Some of you may not agree with where the names are placed, but whatever. Fuck you, try to make up your own and see if they match up to this list.
Time for a confession. When I was very young, around four or six or so, I also tried to think up of band names. I wanted a kick ass, short name. Only one cool, cool to four year old Christina, name is in the next sentence.
I decided that I would be in a band called Poison.
Of course, I didn't know that Poison even existed already, and obviously did not know of their incredible inability to make music and what "music" that they made very closely resembled to the sound of my father in the bathroom with diarrhea leaving the door open. Only to soon cause me to grimace because of the smell, which is the same exact expression on my face whenever I hear Poison's "music."
That reminds me, Night Ranger was on Good Morning America today. Or at least, I think it was that show. When you go on a morning news program, performing in front of sixty forty-three year old soccer moms who dressed up for the first time in fifteen years for their husbands last night so that they'd take care of the kids and miss getting their paychecks at work just to go to see the morning news program, you know you've hit cum bottom. They said to Diane Sawyer that she was hot. And how the fuck old is she? She fucking worked for the Nixon administration. I fucking despise that fake bitch anyway, she doesn't deserve to be praised. But in a way it was a diss, because
Night Ranger told her that she was hot.
My mom complained about why it was taking so long for my Victoria's Secret shirt to come in the mail. I seriously do not remember her ordering me a lacy shirt. The last thing I remember that she was going to get me was a denim skirt from the Boston Proper catalog. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure if she even sent the order for that skirt in. And for your information, Boston Proper is a rich people's catalog that we only order the on-sale or clearance items from. Other than that we just bitch and moan on why we don't have much money.
This new polka dotted mouse pad is fucking amazing. It's a circle, with blue and red and yellow and lime green polka dots of different sizes on a white background. I mean, who the fuck wouldn't want a seventy-nine cent mouse pad that looks that fucking awesome?
I'm so excited for my Jack Daniel's shirt to come. Apparently the seller is in England. Those brits, them and their cool t-shirts and Led Zeppelin members and Mick Jagger offspring and shit.
Just a few minutes ago I finally saw the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas commercial that has "Welcome to the Jungle" playing in the background. Axl's such a fucking idiot, selling such music to such a cliched luxury such as video games, specifically Grand Theft Auto.
I still can't stand "Fall to Pieces." It sucks. And so does Gwar.
