Saturday, February 5
I hate those nights where you just feel so lonely and unfulfilled. And empty. Such as tonight. I'm so fucking horny also, that if I were a dude I'd be having this apocalyptical erection all the way to Monday when I'm in school and can finally be around some hot ass. Man, I feel like some two hundred pound forty-five year old man who's going through his mid-life crisis. No spouse, children taken away, god awfully ugly, drives a PT Cruiser, in financial debt higher than Ryan Stiles.
So the party only had only four people invited actually - two parents and their two kids. The other kid is at a sleepover. The kids who did come are a dude, one year younger than I, and I couldn't give a fuck how old the chick is, but I do know that she's younger than him. I feel incredibly guilty for not even trying to be sociable for the sake of my parents, because they don't have many friends, and this other family is pretty much all they have left. They've gone through pretty much what I'm going through right now - they're starting to discover the bad sides of their friends. They're eliminating the assholes in their life who they know will always bullshit them. And this is what I do; Not even help keep the bond between pretty much their only friends left and reverting back to old habits - hiding in my room doing stupid shit on the computer and neglecting everyone, not giving a single fuck.
From the beginning when I first met these people I knew I wouldn't bond with them very well. The middle daughter, Yvonne, was the one that I parted with most. But she happens to be the one who was at the sleepover and couldn't come tonight. As the two families, mine and theirs, met more often, I started to gradually drift away more and more. Why? I'm not sure, but here's my explanation.
These folks are not unique in any way. They're the quintessential successful american family. More successful financially and talentwise also. Not to mention that my mom keeps mentioning how pretty she thinks Yvonne is. The children bore the hell out of me, although Yvonne is pretty fun to talk to sometimes, but she does lack anything unique to distinguish her from any other ordinary young girl. I mean, they're just too perfect. Talk about boredom. In a sense, or actually totally, I love sick and twisted people. People that are fucking crazy. People that live fucking complicated lives and who just are so full of different things to learn about and do things with. These people, you can't. The boy who's a year younger than me, Alan, unsurprisingly is a poser. Like Tim, who I've mentioned about at the Christmas party a while ago. He's one of those ugly asian fucks who walk hunched over wearing a hoodie trying to look cool. I think he was almost trying to be a "gangsta." I put it in quotes because it is not a word that I use regularly. Nor do I ever want to use it regularly.
And Ellen, the youngest child, is about twelve I think, and is really quite childish actually, way more than she should be. She's allowed to wear makeup and was wearing eyeliner, but was still as unpleasant looking as always. Yeah, she's nice, but that's it. Same thing with Alan. But these folks just don't have the genuine things that I tend to look for in a person. I don't feel as if I can really click with them in any way. No one got my sarcasm really. And who the fuck says "Dangit!"? Stupid shit.
As for the parents, I especially like the father. He's a great guy and I can tell that he's very well-rounded. He's the success that I was talking about. He has professions in a lot of fields but isn't an asshole. I feel that I can learn a lot from him, and I can definitely respect him more than a lot of other people that I've met.
The mother, she's a sweetheart, but too perky and perfect, nothing really special. She's also a conformist and tries to mirror new young trends in clothing and such. All this new Misses' style in clothing looks horrible on her forty-something year old midget body. Her smile definitely brings light to a room, but that smile is sort of empty.
Throughout the entire night, even while everyone was sitting at the table eating, I kept fucking regretting and hating myself that I didn't want to bond with these people. If I didn't like anybody at all, it would eventually ruin the relationship between my parents and their parents. I don't want to hurt my folks' feelings just because of my selfish opinions of people. Much less forcing them to lose anymore friends.
I also feel kind of bad because, not much went on on Friday regarding getting closer to getting some ass. I think it's because one of my best friends, whom is quite an exceptionally good looking guy, always hangs out with me, I always hang out with him, we're always around each other. But he's got a girlfriend and I have no interest in him at all. You could definitely say that it looks like we're going out because we're always around each other, but it's nothing more than a friendship. Besides, we only hang out in school. He knows my issues with my folks and the fact that I can't go out very often. So the guy who kindly made my entire decade is probably questioning if I've got something for this friend of mine. I don't. And I think he's intimidated by the fact that we hang out too much and this is keeping him from doing anything.
I can't believe that it was the first time that I ever wanted this good friend to fuck off. Even if we are close, I'm still too afraid to go up to him. He's always coming to me anyway, I'm an ass like that. I fucking killed myself in my mind for ever wanting him to go away, so I could actually get farther with this other guy whom I really do adore. It's confusing. And sounds just like a teenage drama. Well I guess it is, because I'm a teenager and this is drama, asshole. Now I feel bad because I said something bad in my mind about a close friend whom I care a lot about, and this other guy whom I do have feelings for. Maybe I should tell my friend about this guy. Then he'd start pinching my cheeks or something and I'd go all red and he'd pinch them even harder just to piss me off.
Wow, I'm feeling like such a puss tonight.
